I realize you are not very happy with me right now, and for this I apologize. But it's for your own good, really, it is, I promise. I know I haven't been treating you fairly for the past...lifetime or so, but I hope you can understand why and forgive me.
Legs, you have a right to be angry with me. I understand this, and I don't blame you. I've been favoring you, in the sense that you are the only part of me that I make an effort to keep in shape. I've worked you quite hard this past week especially, and, believe me, I've heard your protests. I heard every single whimper and pathetic whine that you uttered as I walked up and down the stairs to my apartment. I felt you beating and stabbing me as I forced you to walk up Bascom. I was going to give you an easy day today, but once we got going you seemed to quiet down. No worries, though, you get the day off tomorrow. Not only do you get the day off, but Mom is going to bring you delicious treats like brownies and chicken wings.
Arms, I would like to sincerely thank you for all your hard work. In the past year as I've sat merely existing, you have magically grown and become stronger, and I truly appreciate your self-motivation. This is a good system we have going. You keep up the good work. I'll keep doing absolutely nothing.
The rest of my body, I'm sorry I neglect you. I know I neglect you. I'd give you some TLC every now and then, but frankly, I can't justify paying any attention to you. You don't specifically need any work, I'm quite happy with you (this is a compliment - be happy!). See, you don't help me in any way, shape, or form. I don't need you to run, or ski, or bike, or climb things. All these activities involve my legs. The activities that involve the rest of you (swimming... lifting.... umm.... not-so-fun things) I have no interest in. I really am sorry. Perhaps you could take on the same outlook as the arms have; you do all the work to look "toned" and "pretty" while I sit around and eat doughnuts.
Please consider this my most sincere apology. I promise I will try to cut back on the caffeine. Maybe we'll only have two cups of coffee a day instead of three or four. I will also try to put more nutrients in you. While the cocoa beans in chocolate has sufficed as a source of vegetables for this long, I understand that you'd like some variety. We'll try some fruit snacks instead.
Remember, it's all for your own good. And I am never wrong.