Sunday, December 6, 2009

An Unbiased Review of New Moon

Clearly I have more important things to do than keep up with this blog; such as nap, watch youtube videos of cute small animals, and focus on my studies. While engaging in such productive activities I happen to watch the ever popular new movie New Moon, second in the Twilight series. While screaming tweens and reminiscent mothers rave about the addictive, emotional, and sensual story line and the talent of the film cast, this movie is worth seeing for one reason and one reason only: Taylor Lautner. Why? Because he's gorgeous. However, I realize that all you doubting Thomases out there need a more convincing argument.

Let's start and the very beginning of the saga's cinema reign with the first movie, Twilight. Awful. Downright awful. I had not yet read the books when I went and saw Twilight for the first time, so I had no idea what to expect. I sat in the theater with no more knowledge than it was about a romantic vampire. So I sit in the theater imagining a movie filled with mesmorizing cinematography to enhance the fantasy aspect, and a bit of a love story thrown in to keep everyone interested. Yet overall, my sole reaction while seated in that theater was, "Oh my god, this movie is ridiculous. People like this? And godamit Edward why won't you kiss her already!" It would far fetched to say the acting was slightly under par. The only character that was accurately represented (after reading the books and comparing) was Jasper. The rest of the actors were able to fulfill bits and pieces of their character's personalities, but no spectacular connection was made. Robert Patterson as Edward Cullen was perhaps the worst casting flaw. There are plenty of other pale men out there who look slightly less creepy and display more than a sliver of confidence.

"Well yes, but you haven't read the books. The books are amazing, you won't be able to put them down." Alright, I'll accept your challenge. Granted, that isn't the only reason I read the books. I am a firm believer that movies made into books are consistantly far worse than the book itself [with the exception of The Notebook (which is equally as good) and The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (which, yes, I'll admit, the movie was better than the book)], but my main motivation was all the middle school and even high school aged girls who dared to claim that Twilight was better than Harry Potter. Bitches goin' die! So I concede and read Twilight, and my opinion doesn't change. The book was slightly better than the movie, but it was of poor literarly quality and had a weak plot. "But you only read the first book, you have to read them all." Again, I acknowledge that these prepubescent squealing girls had a point, and finish the "saga". Needless to say, they were wrong. The books did NOT get better. If anything they became even more ridiculous and, for lack of a better word, corny. I found myself correcting Stephanie Meyer's grammar and puncuation. When I wasn't cringing from noticing yet another sentence fragment or phrase that ended with a preposition, I found myself getting bored with the descriptive quality of the writing. Now, let me make myself clear what when I say "descriptive quality of the writing" I do not mean the style of the writing, I mean the overall lack of good description presented. How many times can you read "his smile didn't reach his eyes" or "his voice was like velvet"? Apparently the author thought that the readers would simply forget that she had used that description half a page earlier and would therefore be intrigued when they read it again.

Reading the books also gave me a clearer insight to the character and plot development. To save time for those of you who have been so lucky to not have read the books or seen the movies, I will paraphrase everything for you:
Bella - depressed girl who can't take a hint and makes bad emotional choices
Edward - whiney bitch who really needs to get a hold on his jealously issues because quite frankly, they're pathetic
Jacob - pushes things too far on more than one occasion, but is the only sound-minded adolescent character
Carlisle - alright, I have nothing bad to say about you, you're a good guy
Bella's Friends - the girls are drama queens and the boys need to learn to take a hint and lay off
Various Other Vampires - some good, some bad, none of them have that deep of a personality
Plot - Seemingly good looking male --> innocent girl falls for him --> oh no the new girls doing something against the status quo! --> we're so in love --> i have the potential to kill you --> who cares we're in love --> i saw you talking to a boy, what the hell --> i'm sorry i love you --> we're so in love --> danger! --> phew, we're safe, i love you --> you talked to a boy again --> i'm sorry i love you --> danger! --> depression --> let me love you --> depression --> let me love you --> danger! --> depression --> really, let me love you --> oh hey you're back! --> we're so in love --> danger --> you talked to that boy again --> i'm sorry i love you --> oh shit i'm pregnant --> we're so in love --> danger --> let me love you --> why do you keep talking to boys!? --> i'm sorry i love you --> hey cool i'm a vampire --> danger --> we're so in love!
And there you have it. Now those of you that have never read the Twilight saga now have the entire plot and character personalities figured out.

Finally, the film version of New Moon. Was I excited to see it? Yes. Did I let out a little girl scream just for shits and giggles? Yes. BUT, just to reiterate, that was solely because of Taylor Lautner. All the success and fame from not only the first movie but also the book series should have been motivation for the producer to make the second film even better than the first. There is obviously money to do so, and I'm sure the cast had a secret bout of talent that they could have dug into. Regardless, the special effects (which, by the way, not only should have but NEEDED to be better in this movie due to the story line) were laughable. The acting seemed to have digressed, as Kristen Stewart as Bella seems to be only capable of one face of emotion and two tones of voice (depressed and whisper). Scenes that were made a huge deal in the book, such as the trip to Italy, were condensed into mere minutes and lacked the emotion and terror that played a major role in the book. However, as with all things in life, there was a light at the end of the tunnel: sexy werewolves. For some folk the sexy werewolves, specifically Jacob Black, would have been enough incentive for them to go see the movie. (For this segment let us disregard the fact that CLEARLY Jacob is the right choice for Bella, and all members of Team Edward can go jump off a cliff.) I'm going to give the producer a brownie point for noticing that the rest of his film would be a total failure and adding one other incentive to draw people in...Come on now, you all know what I'm talking about...How fantastic and incredibly convenient is it that Jacob has to take off his shirt at any opportune moment?!?! "Oh man, I have to turn into a wolf now." Shirt gone. "What? You got a very small and easily managable sliver of a cut? I have an idea!" Bam. Shirt off. "Oh no! It seems to be raining! I don't want to ruin such high quality clothing by getting it wet!" Shazaam! Shirt gone. In case some of you are still hesitant to believe me:

Have I made myself clear? I think so. Without this aesthetic addition to the film the gross earnings would have been significantly less impressive. To all those who have been considering seeing New Moon, I advise you to wait until it comes out of Blue-Ray/DVD. You won't waste your money supporting a pathetic franchise, and you will be able to pause all the scenes that involve a handsome werewolf elegantly ripping his shirt off.

All in all, the moral of the story is: HARRY POTTER KICKS SOME MAJOR TWILIGHT ASS!

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